If you are a parent, just a parent, you feel overwhelmed at times, I'm sure.
If you are a parent of a child with mental disorders, trauma-created behaviors, inability to self-regulate, or other special needs...overwhelmed? Unbelievably overwhelmed at times. Sometimes those moments are fleeting, but sometimes they last.
For me, at times, they can last for days following the behavior. It's as if I have somehow contracted PTSD. Certain behaviors cause me to relive the past, just as my daughter has recently mentioned reliving hers.
When my daughter experiences rage fits that last up to three hours, has sweat dripping from her face from hitting the walls, doors, throwing things, stomping, throwing herself on the floor, hitting herself in the head...I am thrown right back into the first year we were together.
I recall Dan asking me one evening early into our parenting journey, "Christie, what happened to your legs? You have bruises all over them!" With tears in my eyes, I could barely talk, but was able to whisper our daughter's name. Our first year together was hard for all of us.
Tantruming behaviors, bring back my own, call it fear, anxiety, frustration, anger, even righteous indignation for what caused her to develop these behaviors in her young life prior to knowing Dan and I.
What a difficult transition for my four year old little one. All she had known was neglect and abuse. What's this now? Someone who wants to love me? No way. I'm not going down that road again. If I receive love, I will be hurt. I will not be hurt again. I refuse to be abused. I will be the abuser instead.
While that may sound too deeply thought out for a four year old - it's absolutely where she was emotionally and teeters on that thought spectrum quite frequently even now.
This note is here to remind you that it is okay to feel what you feel. When dealing with the behaviors and unending needs that never seem to be met, while parenting your little ones, it's okay to feel whatever it is that you feel.
All your feelings are yours, and being more accepting and honest of your feelings will lead you through them more quickly. When we find acceptance in ourselves, forgiveness in ourselves, we find the ability to move forward, embracing our emotions and even our shortcomings, learning from them and growing stronger.
Still poised and ready to strike Christie? I am. I really am. Today, I felt to talk about some of the very real issues I am facing on a daily basis with forgiving myself. Freeing myself from guilt associated with the feelings I can have about my feelings. Sounds a little crazy right? Pray for me. =)
We are emotional beings. I give myself permission to live in the present with the feelings I feel. I give my daughter permission to live in the present with the feelings she feels. Together, we will continue to grow in God's grace and His unending love that is ultimately the absolute best example in what parenting should look like.
The other evening she told me that she was so frustrated. When I asked her to tell me more, she said, "I am frustrated that I am frustrated with you. I love you and I do not want to be frustrated with someone I love." I reflected that statement to her, assuring her that frustration with people we love is a part of life, and that it's okay to feel frustrated, and then to work to remedy that frustration with forgiveness and acceptance.
The opportunities we have been given to love children who have been abused, neglected and abandoned, is an overwhelming one, BUT, love conquers all. Keep loving. Yourself. Your child. God. (not in that order!) You will begin to see the unbelievable.
Overwhelmed still? It's okay. You're okay.
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