"Do y'all just want 'em?"

These words float through my thoughts so often.

I've remembered and rehashed the moment over and over, almost obsessively today.

As we sat in a dull stuffy court room on hard wooden church pews, these words were murmured in my direction.

Unsure of what I had heard, I asked our daughter's biological mother, seated directly in front of us, what she had said. Patting my husband on the knee hastily to get his attention, so he would be able to hear, as she repeated, "Do y'all just want 'em?"

Tears welled up in my hazel-brown eyes as I felt the tapping on my husband's knee quickly turn to a tight, trembling grip.

Listening to her. Looking back and forth at each other. Could this really be happening? Am I hearing her correctly? Our Guardian Ad Litem told us just yesterday, "You do not need to go to court tomorrow. It is highly likely the judge will give this case three more months."

We received the call from our Guardian Ad Litem as we were on our way to church. We prayed that evening for something that would make our heads spin (in court the next day), that only God could do in His sovereignty. Amazing. I still stand in awe. Of that moment. Our case had not even been heard! The biological mother made this choice on her own. Head-spinning, sovereign act? Without a doubt.

We returned today from a short vacation to Amelia Island, Fernandina Beach, Florida. What a gorgeous place. I took in the scenery as much as possible. I sat right next to seagulls as they chased the water's edge back and forth looking for food. I sat. Quietly. Patiently. Seagulls have to wait. I was surprised by how patient they can be. Nature is our teacher.

There's something about vacationing for us that is bittersweet. It brings out some challenging behaviors for our daughter. Five years ago this month, she was tantruming on the balcony of the 17th story of a condo at the beach. My brother and sister-in-law had graciously invited us to join them on their vacation. We had only been parents for two months. Had no idea that this nearly four year old little girl could wreak such havoc on what should have been a fun and relaxing experience for all of us.

If I remember correctly, the first words she spoke to my brother were, "The police were at my house before." He is a police officer, so I guess she needed to share this piece of information with him immediately to find common ground. If I am remembering correctly, it brought tears to mine and my sister-in-law's eyes. I barely even knew my daughter, but I was learning quickly.

Yesterday, she did it again. Eight years of age now, remember. Tantruming like a three year old on our hotel balcony. Again? What is this? Is a balcony a trigger for her? My goodness!

The seagulls come to mind as I write. Patience, Christie.

Instead, I lost my cool and retreated to a quiet place for a few minutes.

At the beach, building sand castles, her constant attempts to control everyone and everything sparked too many reminders that we can all make our own choices. This is fun. This should be fun! Please, can we just be okay here?

Later at the pool, she posed the question, "Mommy, why did they not do what they were supposed to do to get me back?" that burst from her lips like a gust of wind that could hardly be contained.

Thankfully, my husband was close enough and quick to answer, while my mind raced frantically to find the words. "They were incapable of parenting, honey." My fragile heart sank to hear these words while looking into her beautiful blue eyes glistening in the night-sky from the lights beneath the pool's edge.

She may have asked another question then swam off, pulling me along with her. Now alone. "Were they drug addicts, Mommy?" Surprised, I asked, "What do you know about drug addicts?" "They are addicted to alcohol and drugs," she says so matter-of-factly. I promised her I could talk to her more about all of these questions when she is older and when the timing feels right.

So many questions. So many challenging, truly challenging moments while away this time, and most times, to be honest. I haven't visited my family in MD hugely in part to her difficult behaviors while there. It's just too much. When she is out of routine, she changes completely.

I find myself blaming. Feelings of frustration and anger are within reach. I feel like there's so much for her to experience. It will have to wait. (She used to tantrum (two hour rage fits, hitting me and throwing things at the walls, slamming doors, after we had an evening out getting our nails done. Seriously. Our play therapist at the time told us that our daughter did not know how to process feelings of joy.) Are we still there? We can't still be THERE! It's been five years.

Exhausted from our drive and likely from some emotional baggage I am carrying, the question resonates loud and clear, in my mind, "Do y'all just want 'em?"

Even today while weary and lost inside my thoughts, trying desperately to see patterns in behaviors, determined to fight against the lies I feel creeping in... (the ones that say she'll never change, she'll always struggle outside of strict routine) my answer is still a resounding yes, with tears welling up in my hazel-brown eyes.